Taking charge and doing what is right for you can be a bit hard for most people. When you think about the decisions you have made in the past, and the ones you are making now…..what emotion were you, and probably still are, choosing to make that decision?? Fear? ….that you may upset someone else by not doing what they want, fear of a new experience, fear of doing something that you have never done before, fear of getting it wrong, or love/courage….love for them/yourself, courage to do what you feel is right for you/them?
Last week I was in a situation where I was waiting, waiting, waiting………… actually, waiting for weeks and weeks ………for a friend to make up her mind about the dates for a trip overseas with me & another friend.
Time was moving on, we were missing out of the cheaper air fares, we couldn’t arrange other parts of our lives, our work, other things we wanted to do because we didn’t really know the dates we would be away. We had a basic itinerary of locations and time frame but even that kept changing to fit in with my friend’s shifting needs and wants. In the end I realised that I wasn’t getting to do much of anything that meant something to me.
It is a very long way to go and NOT do things I enjoy. So I booked a trip for myself to a yoga retreat in France, one that involves other activities I love and one that I had wanted to do for 3 years, putting it off because it was inconvenient for other people.
Now, I could have done nothing and waited some more (and still be waiting). That decision would have been based on fear, fear that I may upset both my friends. Instead, I based my decision on love/courage. My love of learning yoga, meeting new people, my courage in doing what is important to me and my health, my courage in deciding to get right out of my comfort zone, travelling thousands of kilometres by myself (a new experience), exposing myself to another language of which I have only a basic knowledge.
Most people would hesitate to do something like that – they would think that they may hurt the other person’s feelings, tread on their toes, inconvenience them etc. That can be uncomfortable; especially when you think about the law of The Law of Reciprocity – you know – how you treat others is how they will likely treat you. There comes a time though when enough is enough and it is time to do what is important to you.
It’s like this…sometimes it takes courage to choose something that may not feel too good at the time, something out of your comfort zone, but deep down you know is right for yourself or someone else.
If you have small children you’ll know about that – they want something that is not good for them (like wanting to run out on to the road) and cry and throw a tantrum yet you don’t give in because you know that giving in will not be good for them so you make a decision based on love (care). It’s the same with the decisions we make for ourselves, yet often we will take the easy way out and NOT get what is important to us because we are sacred. Scared of hurting other people and/or scared of being out of our comfort zone.
Yes, there are times when we will make choices that are not what we really want but are important to other people because those choices will be based on love for them NOT fear that they will not like/love us anymore.
That is the important distinction in making decisions – there are times when our love or courage will mean that the needs of others will be more important and other times when love and courage will lead us to make decisions that are not going to be liked by other people.
I may still be able to travel with my friends for part of the trip after my yoga retreat, but even if I can’t that’s OK. At the end of my life I want to look back and be glad that I have experienced my life in a way that is meaningful to me. If the meaning is that I give up something I want out of love for someone else that is fine because I will get enjoyment and happiness from that, but I will not give up my needs out of fear.
P.S. If you are wondering about the photo at the beginning of this post – well, that is next to the launch for the hang-gliders and the view get just as they launch themselves off – some people may feel fear – others only feel love of flying and freedom 
)
Related articles
- Courage to Change… (justsaynototoxicrelationships.wordpress.com)
- Getting Out Of Your Comfort Zone (patriciaevans.wordpress.com)
- How to Go From Fear to Freedom, One Step at a Time (zenhabits.net)
- Stories that define me: facing fears. (determineduncensored.com)
Reading this was perfect timing. It made me realise I was putting off a decision about a meeting I’m having tomorrow as I was focusing more on the fear of how the other person will react than how important the decision is to me. Thanks!
We need to walk in our own shoes, not in those who fit others. We need to learn to believe and trust in ourselves to make decisions based on what is going to fulfill our own personal growth. I have based many of my life decisions on fear of disappointing or even hurting others’ feelings and in retrospect it is evident that in many of those occasions, had I lived “my” life .. life would have gone of fine for everyone else. We do not need approval from others to be who we want to be. It’s all about self-esteem and self-assertion and loving ourselves enough to think that we can trust in our own core beliefs (provided, of course, that we’re not psychopaths!). If we love and trust ourselves, we can more effectively love and trust others. I agree that it’s important to make decisions out of love for others and not out of fear for what they’ll think of us.