Do you know how to be happy? Take a few risks

Do you know what the secret to happiness is?  The number one thing that separates people who realise their dreams and those that don’t is taking a risk.  Being brave, audacious, feisty, bold, daring, courageous, gutsy, spirited, adventurous, and exploratory even; there are many words to describe taking a risk. 

There are a number of reasons people fall back on to NOT take a risk and lead their ideal life, to be happier.  Here are just a few:

• Fear of failure
• Fear of the unknown
• Fear of rejection
• The need for certainty
• The need of approval from others
• Absence of desire to change
• Lack of confidence

Best tip – TAKE ACTION, and then:

• Allow for mistakes – you will make lots along the way, and probably need to.
• Look at risk as an opportunity to learn.
• Be prepared to ask for help
• Do some planning (not too much otherwise you won’t start)
• Take baby steps
• Reward your successes, of which taking the baby steps is included.
• Evaluate and adjust along the way

I read something the other day which goes something like this.  Go out on a limb – the view is much better from there and you are more likely to find some fruit.  Hmmm…sounds pretty good to me

“The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible”.  Arthur C. Clarke

Along the way, don’t be afraid to stop and take a different path if it is not working for you.  When I finished my life coach training, I really didn’t have any idea of what was available in the business of coaching and personal development.  I had a vision which was based on very limited information.  I wasn’t aware of the possibilities.  Once I started exploring those possibilities, I stopped 1:1 coaching to focus on creating my life and business the way I want it.  I knew nothing about marketing, social media (hey, I just started using FB recently and on a BIG learning curve), had no networks with similar business models to connect with.   Even when I started this blog, I really didn’t know what I was doing but I did it anyway.

Now, I’m investing money (yes, maxing out the credit card) and time to learn, to connect, to experiment so I can create a life that will be built on my values.   Yes, I am making mistakes – but who cares.  Yes, I will get knock backs and rejected –that’s just part of life. Yes, there will be people who will criticise me and what I do and how I do it – oh well, that’s more of a reflection of their lack of confidence in themselves and a lack of imagination.   Who cares if some people think you are crazy?  Whose life is it anyway?

Think not of the risk of taking risk, think instead of the risks of NOT taking that risk.

And, if people think you are crazy?  At least life will be more interesting.  So, what crazy ideas do you have for creating happiness in your life?  I’d love to hear them.

Related articles

• Letting Go and Allowing:What Are You Afraid Of? (adapting2change.me)
• Taking risks…There is nothing to Fear (lifeinharmonyandbalance.wordpress.com)
• The Risk of Living Fully (joyofspa.com)
• How To Turn Fear into Growth (livebreathegrow.wordpress.com)

How to be happy: 3 things to STOP doing.

Most people just want to be happy – pure and simple really, isn’t it?

Well, it could be but we humans seem to make life more complicated that it is. 

A while back I wrote about 4 questions to help you find the meaning of your life as well as a couple of easy questions to ask yourself about who you really are.  Being happy is a state of mind and those questions are a quick and instinctive quide to finding your true path to being happy.

This week I am giving you 3 totally unresourceful things to stop doing to yourself.  These habits don’t serve, support, nurture or challenge you in leading a more resourceful and happier life.  As stated by Bob Newhart in a previous post  – STOP IT!!

1. Stop trying to hold onto the past. – You can’t start the next chapter of your life if you keep re-reading your last one.
2. Stop being scared to make a mistake. – Doing something and getting it wrong is at least ten times more productive than doing nothing.  Every success has a trail of failures behind it, and every failure is leading towards success.  You end up regretting the things you did NOT do far more than the things you did.
3. Stop berating yourself for old mistakes. – We may love the wrong person and cry about the wrong things, but no matter how things go wrong, one thing is for sure, mistakes help us find the person and things that are right for us.  We all make mistakes, have struggles, and even regret things in our past.  But you are not your mistakes, you are not your struggles, and you are here NOW with the power to shape your day and your future.  Every single thing that has ever happened in your life is preparing you for a moment that is yet to come or is happening now. If you spend all your time looking back you won’t be able to recognise the opportunities that can make your life happier.  It’s a bit like trying to drive a car looking through the rear view mirror all the time and never looking ahead to where you want to go. 

 

Related articles

• 13 Things You Should Do To Live Life Without Regrets (rhubblog.com)
• Stop! (journal1958.wordpress.com)

7 secrets to success

1/ Be true to your-self.  Decide how you want your life to be, find your values. What do you gain by always conforming to other people’s ideals?   

2/ Turn the TV off and spend more time thinking and dreaming, reading, meeting new people, finding new ideas, get that imagination going.

3/ Do something you are scared of.  Don’t think of it as getting out of your comfort zone, think of it as EXPANDING your comfort zone.    4/  Don’t over plan – that can result in procrastination, confusion and barriers being erected.

 5 Take action – standing still gets you nowhere, you need to take that first step and then another, and another……………. 6/ If you lose your way – ask for help

7/ Have fun & have it now.  What’s the point of waiting? A friend wants to do a trip down the Murray but is leaving it for many years down the track.  She said that she wants something to look forward to – the trouble is, the river may not exist by then (which looked like a possibility given the drought we come out of) and neither might she.

 I’d love to hear what you think

Related articles

• Do Your Goals Excite You and Take You Out of Your Comfort Zone? (richardlabella.com)
• Crush Your Comfort Zone (toughchik.wordpress.com)
• Leaving the Comfort Zone Behind (1alive.wordpress.com)

Entrepreneurship and innovation: let’s start with our kids (and even yourself)

I decided to post a link to an interesting talk I came across on TED.  I thought it was timely this week as I am going to Bali on Wednesday for the Wealth Dynamics Academy (I’ll let you know all about it early next week when I get back).  

The following talk does not apply only to children, this appiles to anyone of any age.  Stop limiting what you can do and start looking for opportunities for you what can do, or even better, what YOU HAVE ALWAYS REALLY wanted to do.  What better example for your children and grandchildren   

Being Happy

Today I have decided to give this space over to Di Sutton and her July newsletter (with her permission)

http://au.linkedin.com/pub/di-sutton/20/3b7/774 

 

Di is a coach who specialises in Matrix Therapy, particularly with women over 35 who are ready to make amazing breakthroughs in their lives and become free from negative influences and emotions.  Her qualifications include:

• Master Practitioner in Matrix Therapies
• Practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming
• Master Practitioner in Neuro Linguistic Programming
• Practitioner in Time Line Repatterning
• Certificate IV in Life Coaching
• Practitioner in Coach Mastery
• Your Quest (discovering purpose and passion)
• Matrix Therapies Advanced Training
• Matrix Constellations and Archetypes
• Co-creating the Matrix (Spiritual Program)   

Quote of the month:

It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

Dale Carnegie

BEING HAPPY

Many people think the ultimate in life is being happy. While it is unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time, there are some strategies we can use to increase the amount of time we feel happy in life. No one gets it right 100% of the time, we do the best we can.

Recently I attended a seminar conducted by Professor Timothy Sharpe from The Happiness Institute in Sydney and would like to share some of the ideas from that which I found helpful.

Positive psychology is the scientifc study of optimal human functioning. It is about people thriving and flourishing. It is more than seeking pleasure, it is about engaging in life. We can learn to be happy. Positive emotions are helpful and if we have them we are likely to build our lives and open and broaden our mind.

How can we be happy? One of the strategies is to be present. To live in the present moment. People who live in the present moment have

• health and wellbeing
• concentration
• productivity and efficiency
• happiness and positive emotions
• good relationships and communication

There is very little difference in people, and the difference that makes the difference is attitude – whether it is positive or negative. There are optimists and pessimists. Optimistic people have a hopefulness and confidence about the future and a successful outcome of something.

Check out The Happiness Institute website for more information: www.thehappinessinstitute.com

Tips for dealing with our ANTs (automatic negative thoughts)

Are you aware of your ANTs? (automatic negative thoughts). We all have them at times. They include:

• · Catastrophising
• · Being black and white
• · Personalising
• · Mind reading
• · Over-generalising
• · Filtering

If you cannot think of examples when you have these, I’m sure you know people who do. Such as the person who is always having dramas in their life. Nothing is simple and calm – all events are full of drama. A way to deal with our ANTs is to be flexible in our thinking and modify our thinking style to suit the context.

We can move between different thinking styles – nothing is right or wrong

4 steps to help deal with our ANTs:

• · Identify thoughts
• · Label the ANTs
• · Question/challenge unhelpful cognitions
• · Replace with more helpful, realistic ones

Ask, are my thoughts

• · Realistic
• · Take into account all the facts
• · Helpful

Can I look at things

• From a different angle
• In another way
• Is it really that bad
• Get Temporal perspective (how important will this be in 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days, 10 weeks’ time?)
•  Alternate perspectives
• Problem solving
• Acceptance

Discovering our top character strengths

Getting to know ourselves is crucial to living an aware life, and discovering our strengths and talents is a sure way to increase our sense of happiness.

If you would like to discover your top 24 character strengths, click on www.viasurvey.org This survey is free and once you have found your strengths, if you would like to know more about making the most of them, email me on di@connexioncoaching.com.au and I will send you additional information.

Please answer me by Noemi Lee
Why do you say

you “hate” happy people?

Does that mean

you hate happiness?

Why is it that

happiness is considered

to be a four letter word?

Must you always

wear a scowl

on your face?

Can’t it take

a bathroom break?

How can you expect

to find happiness

when you continue

to push it

father and farther away?

Why do you hold

such disdain for

happiness?

What wrong has

happiness

done to you?

So, you mean

you’ve never had

happiness?

Then, how can you

hate something

you’ve never known?

Would you like to experience more happiness in your life?
Do you behave in ways that cause unhappiness at times and don’t know where the behaviour comes from?
Are you at a stage in your life where you want change, but are not sure which direction to take?

If you would like to explore this, take advantage of a complimentary 1.5 hour coaching session with Di Sutton, Master Practitioner in Matrix Therapies and Master Practitioner in Neuro Linguistic Programming
Phone 0401 266 316

di@connexioncoaching.com.au  www.connexioncoaching.com.au

Connexion Coaching

Related articles

• What Stops YOU Being Happy? (happinessguru.wordpress.com)
• Classical Psychology and Nlp-neuro-linguistic Programming: (socyberty.com)

The meaning of (your) Life – 4 easy questions to find the answer.

I come across so many people who struggle with balancing work and family.  It seems that work has become the priority. I was talking to someone today who works very long hours and has several children.  She said that she wanted to take a few days off in the next school holidays but was worried about asking for the time, and that if she worked through the holiday period she felt bad anyway about not spending time with her children.

This person tried to make a New Year resolution this year that she would take a few days every school holiday period (and her employment conditions include generous leave provisions) yet still felt guilty. 

Who do we work long hours for?  What is the point of having annual leave, flexi-time, banked leave, long service leave if we don’t use it?  OK, it is different if you have a special trip planned and want to take several weeks off so you hang in there and save your leave – that is a specific purpose.  But when it comes to quality of life, what is the purpose of not taking time to be with the people you love and to do the things you really enjoy?   What does that prove?

“Will this matter a year from now?”
Richard Carlson, writing in Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff

I am sure you have read, or heard of, the exercise that involves writing your own eulogy.  If you haven’t, then it is very simple. The idea is to write down what someone would say about you at your funeral, what sort of person were you? what did they love about you?  what special qualities about you will they miss?  what made you so special? what memories do they have about you?

Hmmmmm……………….”Mum (or Dad or whoever) was a great worker and devoted so much time to her work.   She left in the morning while we were having breakfast and was home just in time to say good night.  Sometimes we had to go into the study where she was working to say good night because she often bought work home.  I think she had blue eyes but my sister said she thinks they were brown and our brother said they were hazel”

What matters the most to you? Who matters the most to you? What do you love doing the most? What are you choosing to worry about if you are not at work? And what do you choose to tell yourself about who you are if you take time off work?  Too confusing ????

Four simple questions to ask yourself to find out the meaning of YOUR life:

What will happen if I do?

What will happen if I don’t?  

What won’t happen if I do?

What won’t happen if I don’t?

These questions are good to use with any decisions you are hesitating over.   Try it and let me know how you go.  I am curious about what you come up with. 

Related articles

• Happiness and Family Balance (joyofspa.com)
• Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door (momentumofjoy.com)

How to get rid of the fear of failure and be wildly successful at the same time

I read a story yesterday about an executive in a company who walked into a meeting and handed out a number of “Forgiveness Coupons” to each of his staff. He told them that he wanted certain outcomes to be achieved in the company and he expected that they would have to take many risks to do so .  The executive also told his staff that in the process of taking those risks, they would make mistakes.  The coupons were permission to make those mistakes, and they were expected to use the coupons up within the year.  I don’t know about you, but I never had a boss tell me to try something and it was OK, or even expected, to make mistakes along the way.

How good it would feel if you knew that you could try out different ideas or ways of doing something and it didn’t matter if it was not as good as you thought it may be?  Have you heard about Thomas Edison and how many attempts he made to find the right material for the filament in the light bulb? Here is what he had to say about that

“I failed my way to success”.
Thomas Edison

What about the many attempts made to invent what we now take for granted such as electricity, cars, planes, building materials, computers and other appliances etc.  Do you really think that all those things were able to be created in the form that was successful the very first time?   

If you have young children or babies, spend some time watching them.  Look how they try something new over and over even though they may not get the result we adults can get.  What about when they insist that you let them do something even though you want to do it for them to “do it right” or because it will be quicker. Why do you think a three year old can work a new piece of electronic equipment and older adults struggle?  It’s because as we get older we become too concerned about getting it right.  We are scared that we may make a mistake.

What if the word ‘failure’ was replaced with ‘feedback’?

What if you allowed yourself to try something totally new and didn’t work focus on getting it right?  What could you do then?  Or consider this, what if you didn’t get the result you wanted BUT instead you ended up with something much BETTER than you thought you could ever have??

Sometimes the act of making a mistake or having a “failure” can open doors for so many other opportunities and experiences.  The trick is to go through the door and to the other side.

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one”.
Elbert Hubbard

Related articles

• Are you playing it safe? (barrygottlieb.wordpress.com)
• Story of a deaf school drop out : Tommy E!& some famed failures (innerdialect.wordpress.com)

positive psychology: how to have a better life and save time

I was listening to something recently on positive psychology.  Apparently it is not a new idea and had been around even in the times of the Greek philosophers.  The person presenting the programme mentionted one of the uses of positive psychology is about using strengths to deal with life instead of trying to boost those qualities of which you have little, and using those lesser qualities to solve things.  E.g., if you have a problem and a friend tells you how they went about dealing with it, it may not work for you and then you could feel worse.  Using strengths is more important than trying to correct deficits. It is a science, not a religion or a philosophy, and has been proven with research and scientific methods. It stops looking at what is wrong with you and starts by looking at what is right with you. 

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”.
Aristotle

Using your strengths can make you feel happier, more engaged with life in general, more productive at work even.

I was in a team once with someone who was almost the exact opposite of me – I am a very big picture person, great at starting things, writing certain types of reports and dealing with certain people.  My colleague loved staying in the background, picking up what others had started, creating systems and doing all the finer details.  There were many tasks we had to do that were similar; we worked brilliantly together because we recognised our individual strengths and worked with those instead of each trying to do every single task equally.  It worked so well that we were able to do the work of three people easily when another member of the team was off work for 3 months.  Using your strengths can be a real timesaver and make life a lot easier!

We all have strengths.  A study was conducted in which it was shown that even the act of identifying strengths had an impact making people happier and temporarily reducing symptoms of depression.  By acting on using just one of those strengths to deal with some problems it increased the person’s feeling of wellbeing and satisfaction and the reduction of symptoms of depression was much longer lasting.

Sometimes we may not recognise our strengths as we are usually conditioned to not talk about what is good about ourselves – I mean how many times have you been given a complimented on one of your qualities, and brushed it aside? Often the focus is on ‘fixing’ weaknesses.

One way to focus on strengths, especially in the workplace, is the two-step acknowledgement.  Now I understand that some people like to use the ‘sandwich’ technique whereby feedback consists of a positive, a negative and then another positive. 

Identifying and acknowledging strengths is a more affirming method when giving people feedback.  Instead of telling someone “You did well on the interstate communication problem and not good on the problem we are still having with the timeframes however, you did well with….etc:, you can say “You did a very good job solving that problem we had with the interstate communication. The way you were able to focus on the finer details until you found the answer and then to explain it so clearly to everyone else was great.  I can see that you will be able to use your attention to detail and your ability to communicate clearly with the problem we are now having with the timeframes.”  In this way the focus is on the person’s strengths and not on the weaknesses: it opens the way to deal with problems more successfully.

Imagine if you only ever received this type of feedback from your boss.  Imagine how you would feel each day going to work knowing that whatever problems arose, you would be more likely to find a solution. Imagine knowing that your efforts were encouraged.  Imagine your productivity and general sense of satisfaction increasing. 

Don’t wait for someone to acknowledge you and your strengths – find them yourself and start using them now.  Copy and paste the following link into your browser and you can take part in a free survey to find your greatest strengths. 

http://www.viacharacter.org/

I did and found that my top five strengths, in order, are:

• Love of learning
• Curiosity and interest in the world
• Capacity to love and be loved
• Gratitude
• Zest, enthusiasm, and energy

Where are you strong in your life and how can you use that to manage your not so strong points to have a greater life?

“Insist on yourself. Never imitate”.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.thehappinessinstitute.com/blog/

How to Create the Ideal Lifestyle

I was doing an exercise the other day which involved creating awareness of ‘opportunity’.  The exercise was to make a list of the key elements necessary for a business opportunity to be worth pursuing.  This is important because when the right opportunity comes along the decision to pursue it can be made quickly, before it disappears.  When I did the exercise I made 2 lists, one for business and another for lifestyle and then merged them.   Any opportunity for my business will have to take into account my ideal lifestyle as well. 

In my coaching practice, when I take my clients through the business goal planning process, I ask them to also write down non-business goals as well.  Now, I am not talking about material things such as buying a new car, having a mortgage paid, designer clothes etc.  I mean personal goals such as learning a language, having time to go dancing, doing regular yoga classes, getting fitter, volunteer work, goals some people never consider when creating a business plan.

It is not often that people plan and make goals for personal satisfaction.  Most planning is for work/career/monetary gain etc with little thought to family, relationships and lifestyle, and doing the things that lead to a deeper sense of life satisfaction.    

Some of my key elements for a great business opportunity are:

• It has to be fun
• Feels right and is based on integrity and respect
• Freedom for me to spend time with my family and friends when I want and to do things I find gratifying
• Time for me to do activities I love related to my health and fitness (I love my sunrise walks and yoga)

“You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it”  Charles Buxton

So, how can this be achieved?  A while ago, I read a book called First Things First by Stephen R. Covey et al.  In the book a story was related about an experience someone had in a seminar.  In that seminar the lecturer placed a very large wide mouth jar and several large fist sized rocks on a table.  He asked people to guess how many of the rocks he would be able to put into the jar.  After several guesses were made he placed a number of rocks in the jar until no more could fit in. Then he asked if the jar was full and everybody said yes.  He pulled out a small bucket of gravel from under the table and started to put gravel into the jar, shaking the jar around so the gravel fell into the spaces.  Again he asked if the jar was full and by then people were aware that something was going on so they said “probably not”.   The lecturer reached under the table and this time pulled out a small bucket of sand which he then tipped into the jar, shaking it around so that the sand filled in the spaces between the rocks and the gravel.   By that time the seminar participants knew that when the lecturer asked if the jar was full that the answer was a resounding “NO”.  At which he pulled out a jug of water and managed to carefully pour about a quarter of that water into the jar. 

The point of the demonstration was that if the rocks had not gone in first they would never have been able to get in.  So, I have certain things in my life that are my “rocks” (yes, that is what I call them, which is confusing for people when I say that and I get a few strange looks), some is gravel, some is sand and the rest is water. Often when we plan our days/ weeks/ months etc, we put the gravel and water in first or maybe one or two rocks followed by sand then water.  Now, paying the bills, eating and having a roof over our head is important, but many of us only place  those ”rocks”  in our jars and then start to fill  the remainder with water or sand etc.  Then when we try to put another rock in we have problems and get frustrated and stressed.   Hmmm……. not a recipe for an ideal lifestyle, is it? 

When I look at the key elements of a great opportunity I consider time as well – I make sure that my “rocks” can stay in my “jar” and are not taken out to replaced with sand or water.  

Have a think about what you are allowing to fill your ‘jar’ right now.

P.S - here is  my latest “rock”,  grand-daughter number 4

If you need a bit of help click on this link  http://www.shiftlifestyle.com/ – you will need to give your email address. The 7 steps come to you in weekly videos.

Related articles

• Prioritizing self-care: put the big rocks in first (poeticaperture.com)

Are your New Years resolutions doomed to failure?

So, it is now 4 weeks since the beginning of the year and now the Chinese New Year is upon us.  I am curious as to how well you have managed to keep your New Year resolutions.  I don’t know about you but, not only was I never any good at keeping them, I was not even good at making them in the first place – I would forget and then someone would ask me in say, February, how are you going with your New Year resolutions and I would go blank and then  – “oh my God – I forgot to make any”  LOL!!  You can’t keep something you haven’t made!!

One year, I’m not sure exactly what year it was, I made the one and only New Year resolution I have ever kept!!  What was the secret of my success?  How, after so many years of failed resolutions did I make one, THE ONLY ONE that I have ever kept?    

I am sure many of you know about SMART

Specific

Measurable

Achievable/Attainable

Realistic

Time-framed

Many people make resolutions that they do not think about in SMART terms. They get carried away with the holiday season, make all sorts of well intentioned, exciting promises for a better year;  the ‘magic wand’ type of resolution – you know the one…..big, bold and right now !!!!

So, why are most of the resolutions that are made doomed to fail?  Well, not specific enough, not able to be measured, not achievable, unrealistic and not time framed; most resolutions are pretty vague in one or more of the SMART areas.

“I am going to give up smoking”. Oh yeah – When and How?

“Well, next week” What day?

“um….Wednesday?  No, hang on, I have got some new staff at work, a new project, work to catch up on after the holidays, new job, kids going back to school (pick one) ……and I will get too stressed out – maybe in a few weeks time when things settle down.” 

 Got it?  How successful will that resolution be? Where is the commitment? 

Try this on for size – “I am going to see my Doctor on Wednesday 2 February and find out what is available to help me give up smoking.  I will commit myself to giving up smoking completely by 4 April 2011.  On that day I will celebrate by ……” (No, not by having a cigar! – pick something else!). 

Another reason is committment.  I’ve often wondered about the point of making resolutions at New Year.  While I do understand the concept, I  have often thought that resolutions can be made at any time.   If the beginning of the year is fraught with stress, of course many resolutions will not be successful.  Another time in the year could be more appropriate, a time when the resolution has more chance of being successful.  If we keep making resolutions that are doomed to failure, we set ourselves up to fail next time, and the next, and the next…………….  When we don’t keep our resolutions, we can often tell ourselves that we will try again next New Year.  Even during the year when we think of something we want to change, it is so easy to decide to leave it until the next New Year and make it a resolution: you’ll probably forget that you had even thought of it. 

If something comes up for you during the year, what purpose is there to wait for January 1 again?  If August, or May, or even  23 January is a better time for you to make a change around something, then DO IT?  What is the point of wasting your life by leaving something until New Year and not being successful with it?   

Turning 2011 into a more successful year than 2010 needs self-belief and a mind shift: the focus is on what you want to achieve and it can start anytime during the year.   Don’t give up now just because other things have got in the way and look at what you want and check to see if YOU really want that change. 

Oh yes, I remembered.  What was the ONE, the ONLY New Year resolution I ever made that I actually kept???

TO NEVER MAKE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION AGAIN!!!

“I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s”.  ~HenryMoore