Limiting beliefs, defeating self talk and fear

OK, so now you’ve had a couple of weeks to practice on 3 limiting beliefs.  How did you go?

I’ve already shared with you the other day about Delice Kennedy (INSERT LINK)  http://theattitudequeen.wordpress.com/2012/06/26/718/ and how not having limits can create success.

So, now I’d like to share with you what else I noticed while I was on the Gold Coast last weekend. 

The vibe at the seminar was about success and being positive, expanding the comfort zone.  A LOT of people there were out of their comfort zone – more that I would have imagined so I felt better than I had been feeling before I went.   I heard a lot of limiting beliefs and self defeating talk from many people. Also, we all had to face our fears of standing on stage in front of about 150 people.

Several times each day I had my own thoughts and beliefs come up which I had to get rid of and replace with more belief in myself.  What I noticed is that other people will have more faith and belief in what you can do than you do yourself.

Here are some defeating self-talk and limiting beliefs I lifted from Seth Godin’s blog

http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2012/06/whats-on-your-list.html

“I have kids at home, I don’t have a manager, I need to pay off student debt, my boss never lets me, I’m really busy because of soccer season, my knee is acting up, there’s already five galas coming up, my RSI hurts when I type, I don’t have a degree, I have a degree and can’t waste it, I’m not good at that, I tried it before but it didn’t work, I’ve never tried it before, the weather is crazy, isn’t it, the election is right around the corner, it’s been too long at this job they won’t listen to me, I’m going to retire soon, I’m too young, I’ll never learn, it’s too risky…”

So I had an idea that would have been interesting to carry out at the seminar. The main purpose of the weekend was to develop a presentation for your own business, after clarifying the niche, but what I noticed was that some of us were more capable of coming up with ideas for someone else’s business.  The thing is that other people don’t see inside of our heads and what we are thinking.  My idea was that we could be placed into groups to develop a plan for another group member’s business. 

I wonder what would happen if we extended this to our personal lives; if we pretended that we were someone else looking at us.   What could we achieve? 

The only thing stoping you is not allowing yourself to indulge your imagination. 

http://theattitudequeen.wordpress.com/2011/11/07/want-to-have-a-wonderful-life-trust-your-imagination/

Related articles

• Believe (toughmindedoptimism.wordpress.com)
• Five Great Lessons You Can Learn From Life. (rhubblog.com)
• Do YOU have limiting beliefs? (olgablushtein.wordpress.com)

Life: What’s stopping you?

Often the only thing or person stoppping us from getting anyway in life is ourselves.  We can decide to be full of self doubt or we can go ahead and live the life we want.  One way to deal with doubt is to reframe it as an UNAUTHORISED PERSON

A little while ago I asked the following question to several people.  See if you can pick who had kept the unauthorised person OUT.

What do dream about changing in your life, and what is stopping you?

• I dream about robust physical health, becoming a fitness model, improving my financial situation, going back to school, investing in a long term relationship, a little bit of travel and visiting my grandmother every day.
  What is holding me back or stopping me?
  Doubt and bad thinking. It is also a bit of feeling that I do not deserve the good in life. I am relegated to where I am right now without there ever being any movement.
• I dream of having a job right now. The economy at large is a factor in the process.
•  Actually, when imagination improves my life, the dream stops it.
•  I have already started to change my life by setting large goals with mini-goals along the way. My goals are to improve my financial situation, achieve a work/life balance that allows me to enjoy my family, live a healthy lifestyle and be successful. At the beginning of the year, I took a lot of time to work out how I would achieve these and what my mini-goals are for each. As the year progresses, I find that I have checked off more than I would have if I’d “winged” it and that I have achieved plenty more that isn’t on the list. At the end of the year, I’m happy to say, I’ll be well on my way to reaching my goals. Many of my goals are mid- to long-term and I feel that I will be able to surpass them (and will have to stretch them a bit further as I get closer). “Aim for the moon and you will at least land among the stars.” (Don’t know who said it, but I believe it.)
• I dream about becoming a world-renowned speaker and thought leader in the area of Innovation and Social Psychology. And, there is NOTHING stopping me — I’m on my way
• Very timely question. I dream about changing my circumstances – being able to live comfortably and closer to my family. Being able to travel when I want to without having to worry about the finances required to do so.  What’s stopping me is the courage to just take that leap out of the plane and trust that the parachute will open
•  My dream is work in multinational company with good salary and find Suitable girl , I think serious concern of failure makes me lose my focus: that can stop me but in general I don’t give up easily .
• To improve my skill into the bestest that I can. Well, imagination can help to change our dreams into success but without any action nor hard work it won’t come into effect.   What is stopping me? Nothing, No one and nobody can stop me to reach my goal, only GOD’s will can help me throughout to my success.
•  Playing it all out and become unstoppable in what I want to be!
  and, what stops me is my identity  -the belief that I am what I was, not what I am possible
•  I always have a concern that dreaming on its own achieves nothing.  I think the key is to design what your ideal life looks like then get stuck in to looking for ways to turn that into reality.   I started designing my ideal life 10 years ago when I escaped the corporate rat race. It has returned much better results than the years I just spent dreaming about how I would like things to be.   I would encourage anyone who wants something to be different in their life to get really clear on what ideal looks like then start taking steps to make that happen. The rewards are high

So, I’m a bit curious - how are you stopping your-self and what are you going to do about it?

Related articles

• Are You Living Your Dreams? (socyberty.com)

What nobody told you about breaking bad habits.

There is so much written about changing old habits and creating new ones.  There is also a lot of advice about how to do it and how much time it will take.  I remember reading something once where is was said that it only takes 21 days to make a new habit – really?? are you sure??? 21 days!!!. 

How many times have you started doing something, a new habit or doing something differently and even after a month, two months or even four months, you lapsed back into your old ways.  It doesn’t take much, does it?    And we all do it.  Then it is so easy to give up and not try again. 

It seems that nowadays there is so much emphasis on quick change.  And occasionally it does happen if you have a massive mind shift.   It depends on how much you want it and how much embedded it is in your unconscious mind.  Mostly, it takes time. The other day I was reading a book** I have had for a long time on yoga.  Now I am a bit of a long term on & off yoga person – I started it when I was about 12 and if you really want to know the truth, I’m more off than on – yes, I haven’t made it a habit yet.  Anyway, in the book I came across an explanation of the yogic cycles of time and the specific cycles of time it takes to change old habits and create new ones.  So here it is:

To change an old habit into a new positive one – 40 days

To confirm the new habit in you – 90 days

To allow the habit to become who you are – 120 days

To ensure that you have mastered the habit – 1,000 days

Well, I don’t know about you but I felt much better when I read that.  I realise now that it is fine to feel like wanting to relapse after a month or two or even three – it is actually normal.

A lot of people put themselves down when they resume an old habit after a few months but looking at the yogic cycles, it will take about 6 months to entrench the new habit into you AND approximately 2 years and 9 months years to master that new habit.  21 days does NOT a habit make.

It’s OK to experience feelings of wanting to give up, it is normal to feel like that. The trouble is that so many of us do just that – we give up, and too early according to the yogic cycles.  The easy way is to accept that you feel like giving up, but don’t buy into that feeling; think of it as hmm…. just like that chair over there, an object that you can observe without feeling like you have to go and attach yourself to it.  I mean, come on, how stupid would you look going everywhere with a chair stuck to you.  Accept that it will take time to become the change, and to be that change, unconsciously and easily.  In other words, PUT THAT CHAIR DOWN!!

It takes more than a few grains of sand to make a beach

 

It takes more than a few floors to make a high rise

It takes more than a few drops of salt water to make an ocean

It takes more than a couple of mountains to make a mountain range

It takes more than a few dozen panels to make the Guggenheim

So too it will take more than a few weeks to create your new life. 

I’d really like to hear what you think and what your habit changing journey is like

**Yoga for Women, by Shakta Kuar Khalsa . Published in 2002 by Dorling Kindersley Limited, London

Related articles

• It’s A Lie: Why 21 Days Is Not Enough To Help You Build Lasting Habits (healthmoneysuccess.com)

Entrepreneurship and innovation: let’s start with our kids (and even yourself)

I decided to post a link to an interesting talk I came across on TED.  I thought it was timely this week as I am going to Bali on Wednesday for the Wealth Dynamics Academy (I’ll let you know all about it early next week when I get back).  

The following talk does not apply only to children, this appiles to anyone of any age.  Stop limiting what you can do and start looking for opportunities for you what can do, or even better, what YOU HAVE ALWAYS REALLY wanted to do.  What better example for your children and grandchildren   

How to avoid becoming overwhelmed by overwhelm

Overwhelm is one of those feelings that we have sometimes.  It seems that a whole lot of things need to get done and all at the same time.  I used to ‘do’ overwhelm in the workplace. I used to look at all the work I needed to get done, thought that it was all too much, didn’t know where to start, OMG what will I do now!!!??? ARRGGHHH

I tried to use time management strategies – yuk! – too boring

block time on the calendar to get tasks done (then something “urgent” would pop up)

send the phone to voicemail and turn off email (still had to find time to deal with that later)

I tried to write out a ’to do’ list – got too OVERWHELMED again!!!! COS IT WAS TOO LONG!!!

Bugger!

What to do????

Overwhelm is an emotion, an emotion that we can CHOOSE to have. Yes, that’s right – we choose it.  The way I got around the feelings of overwhelm was to find my strategy for doing that emotion. 

We all have a strategy for anything we do and any emotion we feel. I suppose it may help if you think about it like brushing your teeth.  Oh yes, we all have a strategy for brushing teeth.  Mine is a bit like this:

go into the bathroom,

go over to the hand-basin,

pick up the toothbrush,

pick up the toothpaste

flick open the lid,………………

Got the idea? 

So, in dealing with overwhelm, think about the latest time you felt overwhelmed.  

• Remember where you were…………………
• what it was that you were doing just before the overwhelm occurred?.
• what were you seeing?…………………………….
• what were you hearing?…………………………..
• what were you telling yourself?…………………

If you have a close look at your strategy for overwhelm you can learn to deal with it. It’s all well and good to try and find ways of developing strategies to break the work down, or de-clutter etc but our emotions are not usually experienced consciously.

Approximately 95% of our actions are governed by the unconscious mind. Developing a way to diffuse that emotion will be helpful in being able to think more clearly and find a solution. The road ahead will be easier to see (I really wanted an excuse the insert the following pic LOL)

“The shortest way to do many things is to do only one thing at a time.”

Richard Cech

So, do one thing at a time.  Uncover your strategy for overwhelm, one step at a time.

I trust that in the next 3 days you will feel overwhelm. When you do, acknowledge that feeling, and then ask your-self the 4 WHAT questions.

Oh, and by the way, please tell me how you went – I’d love to hear about it

Related articles

• “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” (bloomanyway.wordpress.com)

The Power of Imagination

I am a great believer in imagining, and an example of this is is one of my previous posts http://theattitudequeen.wordpress.com/2010/07/12/your-unconscious-mind-at-work/. 

I came across a short and very effective speech by Garion Bunn on You Tube which I absolutely love – it’s about imagination.   If you click on the link below you can watch it and then let me know what you think.  By the way, Garion does a bit of singing at the beginning and the speech is just after that – about 1 minute and 5 seconds into the start of the video.  Enjoy

 

 

Being Happy

Today I have decided to give this space over to Di Sutton and her July newsletter (with her permission)

http://au.linkedin.com/pub/di-sutton/20/3b7/774 

 

Di is a coach who specialises in Matrix Therapy, particularly with women over 35 who are ready to make amazing breakthroughs in their lives and become free from negative influences and emotions.  Her qualifications include:

• Master Practitioner in Matrix Therapies
• Practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming
• Master Practitioner in Neuro Linguistic Programming
• Practitioner in Time Line Repatterning
• Certificate IV in Life Coaching
• Practitioner in Coach Mastery
• Your Quest (discovering purpose and passion)
• Matrix Therapies Advanced Training
• Matrix Constellations and Archetypes
• Co-creating the Matrix (Spiritual Program)   

Quote of the month:

It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

Dale Carnegie

BEING HAPPY

Many people think the ultimate in life is being happy. While it is unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time, there are some strategies we can use to increase the amount of time we feel happy in life. No one gets it right 100% of the time, we do the best we can.

Recently I attended a seminar conducted by Professor Timothy Sharpe from The Happiness Institute in Sydney and would like to share some of the ideas from that which I found helpful.

Positive psychology is the scientifc study of optimal human functioning. It is about people thriving and flourishing. It is more than seeking pleasure, it is about engaging in life. We can learn to be happy. Positive emotions are helpful and if we have them we are likely to build our lives and open and broaden our mind.

How can we be happy? One of the strategies is to be present. To live in the present moment. People who live in the present moment have

• health and wellbeing
• concentration
• productivity and efficiency
• happiness and positive emotions
• good relationships and communication

There is very little difference in people, and the difference that makes the difference is attitude – whether it is positive or negative. There are optimists and pessimists. Optimistic people have a hopefulness and confidence about the future and a successful outcome of something.

Check out The Happiness Institute website for more information: www.thehappinessinstitute.com

Tips for dealing with our ANTs (automatic negative thoughts)

Are you aware of your ANTs? (automatic negative thoughts). We all have them at times. They include:

• · Catastrophising
• · Being black and white
• · Personalising
• · Mind reading
• · Over-generalising
• · Filtering

If you cannot think of examples when you have these, I’m sure you know people who do. Such as the person who is always having dramas in their life. Nothing is simple and calm – all events are full of drama. A way to deal with our ANTs is to be flexible in our thinking and modify our thinking style to suit the context.

We can move between different thinking styles – nothing is right or wrong

4 steps to help deal with our ANTs:

• · Identify thoughts
• · Label the ANTs
• · Question/challenge unhelpful cognitions
• · Replace with more helpful, realistic ones

Ask, are my thoughts

• · Realistic
• · Take into account all the facts
• · Helpful

Can I look at things

• From a different angle
• In another way
• Is it really that bad
• Get Temporal perspective (how important will this be in 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days, 10 weeks’ time?)
•  Alternate perspectives
• Problem solving
• Acceptance

Discovering our top character strengths

Getting to know ourselves is crucial to living an aware life, and discovering our strengths and talents is a sure way to increase our sense of happiness.

If you would like to discover your top 24 character strengths, click on www.viasurvey.org This survey is free and once you have found your strengths, if you would like to know more about making the most of them, email me on di@connexioncoaching.com.au and I will send you additional information.

Please answer me by Noemi Lee
Why do you say

you “hate” happy people?

Does that mean

you hate happiness?

Why is it that

happiness is considered

to be a four letter word?

Must you always

wear a scowl

on your face?

Can’t it take

a bathroom break?

How can you expect

to find happiness

when you continue

to push it

father and farther away?

Why do you hold

such disdain for

happiness?

What wrong has

happiness

done to you?

So, you mean

you’ve never had

happiness?

Then, how can you

hate something

you’ve never known?

Would you like to experience more happiness in your life?
Do you behave in ways that cause unhappiness at times and don’t know where the behaviour comes from?
Are you at a stage in your life where you want change, but are not sure which direction to take?

If you would like to explore this, take advantage of a complimentary 1.5 hour coaching session with Di Sutton, Master Practitioner in Matrix Therapies and Master Practitioner in Neuro Linguistic Programming
Phone 0401 266 316

di@connexioncoaching.com.au  www.connexioncoaching.com.au

Connexion Coaching

Related articles

• What Stops YOU Being Happy? (happinessguru.wordpress.com)
• Classical Psychology and Nlp-neuro-linguistic Programming: (socyberty.com)

How to Create the Ideal Lifestyle

I was doing an exercise the other day which involved creating awareness of ‘opportunity’.  The exercise was to make a list of the key elements necessary for a business opportunity to be worth pursuing.  This is important because when the right opportunity comes along the decision to pursue it can be made quickly, before it disappears.  When I did the exercise I made 2 lists, one for business and another for lifestyle and then merged them.   Any opportunity for my business will have to take into account my ideal lifestyle as well. 

In my coaching practice, when I take my clients through the business goal planning process, I ask them to also write down non-business goals as well.  Now, I am not talking about material things such as buying a new car, having a mortgage paid, designer clothes etc.  I mean personal goals such as learning a language, having time to go dancing, doing regular yoga classes, getting fitter, volunteer work, goals some people never consider when creating a business plan.

It is not often that people plan and make goals for personal satisfaction.  Most planning is for work/career/monetary gain etc with little thought to family, relationships and lifestyle, and doing the things that lead to a deeper sense of life satisfaction.    

Some of my key elements for a great business opportunity are:

• It has to be fun
• Feels right and is based on integrity and respect
• Freedom for me to spend time with my family and friends when I want and to do things I find gratifying
• Time for me to do activities I love related to my health and fitness (I love my sunrise walks and yoga)

“You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it”  Charles Buxton

So, how can this be achieved?  A while ago, I read a book called First Things First by Stephen R. Covey et al.  In the book a story was related about an experience someone had in a seminar.  In that seminar the lecturer placed a very large wide mouth jar and several large fist sized rocks on a table.  He asked people to guess how many of the rocks he would be able to put into the jar.  After several guesses were made he placed a number of rocks in the jar until no more could fit in. Then he asked if the jar was full and everybody said yes.  He pulled out a small bucket of gravel from under the table and started to put gravel into the jar, shaking the jar around so the gravel fell into the spaces.  Again he asked if the jar was full and by then people were aware that something was going on so they said “probably not”.   The lecturer reached under the table and this time pulled out a small bucket of sand which he then tipped into the jar, shaking it around so that the sand filled in the spaces between the rocks and the gravel.   By that time the seminar participants knew that when the lecturer asked if the jar was full that the answer was a resounding “NO”.  At which he pulled out a jug of water and managed to carefully pour about a quarter of that water into the jar. 

The point of the demonstration was that if the rocks had not gone in first they would never have been able to get in.  So, I have certain things in my life that are my “rocks” (yes, that is what I call them, which is confusing for people when I say that and I get a few strange looks), some is gravel, some is sand and the rest is water. Often when we plan our days/ weeks/ months etc, we put the gravel and water in first or maybe one or two rocks followed by sand then water.  Now, paying the bills, eating and having a roof over our head is important, but many of us only place  those ”rocks”  in our jars and then start to fill  the remainder with water or sand etc.  Then when we try to put another rock in we have problems and get frustrated and stressed.   Hmmm……. not a recipe for an ideal lifestyle, is it? 

When I look at the key elements of a great opportunity I consider time as well – I make sure that my “rocks” can stay in my “jar” and are not taken out to replaced with sand or water.  

Have a think about what you are allowing to fill your ‘jar’ right now.

P.S - here is  my latest “rock”,  grand-daughter number 4

If you need a bit of help click on this link  http://www.shiftlifestyle.com/ – you will need to give your email address. The 7 steps come to you in weekly videos.

Related articles

• Prioritizing self-care: put the big rocks in first (poeticaperture.com)

Are your New Years resolutions doomed to failure?

So, it is now 4 weeks since the beginning of the year and now the Chinese New Year is upon us.  I am curious as to how well you have managed to keep your New Year resolutions.  I don’t know about you but, not only was I never any good at keeping them, I was not even good at making them in the first place – I would forget and then someone would ask me in say, February, how are you going with your New Year resolutions and I would go blank and then  – “oh my God – I forgot to make any”  LOL!!  You can’t keep something you haven’t made!!

One year, I’m not sure exactly what year it was, I made the one and only New Year resolution I have ever kept!!  What was the secret of my success?  How, after so many years of failed resolutions did I make one, THE ONLY ONE that I have ever kept?    

I am sure many of you know about SMART

Specific

Measurable

Achievable/Attainable

Realistic

Time-framed

Many people make resolutions that they do not think about in SMART terms. They get carried away with the holiday season, make all sorts of well intentioned, exciting promises for a better year;  the ‘magic wand’ type of resolution – you know the one…..big, bold and right now !!!!

So, why are most of the resolutions that are made doomed to fail?  Well, not specific enough, not able to be measured, not achievable, unrealistic and not time framed; most resolutions are pretty vague in one or more of the SMART areas.

“I am going to give up smoking”. Oh yeah – When and How?

“Well, next week” What day?

“um….Wednesday?  No, hang on, I have got some new staff at work, a new project, work to catch up on after the holidays, new job, kids going back to school (pick one) ……and I will get too stressed out – maybe in a few weeks time when things settle down.” 

 Got it?  How successful will that resolution be? Where is the commitment? 

Try this on for size – “I am going to see my Doctor on Wednesday 2 February and find out what is available to help me give up smoking.  I will commit myself to giving up smoking completely by 4 April 2011.  On that day I will celebrate by ……” (No, not by having a cigar! – pick something else!). 

Another reason is committment.  I’ve often wondered about the point of making resolutions at New Year.  While I do understand the concept, I  have often thought that resolutions can be made at any time.   If the beginning of the year is fraught with stress, of course many resolutions will not be successful.  Another time in the year could be more appropriate, a time when the resolution has more chance of being successful.  If we keep making resolutions that are doomed to failure, we set ourselves up to fail next time, and the next, and the next…………….  When we don’t keep our resolutions, we can often tell ourselves that we will try again next New Year.  Even during the year when we think of something we want to change, it is so easy to decide to leave it until the next New Year and make it a resolution: you’ll probably forget that you had even thought of it. 

If something comes up for you during the year, what purpose is there to wait for January 1 again?  If August, or May, or even  23 January is a better time for you to make a change around something, then DO IT?  What is the point of wasting your life by leaving something until New Year and not being successful with it?   

Turning 2011 into a more successful year than 2010 needs self-belief and a mind shift: the focus is on what you want to achieve and it can start anytime during the year.   Don’t give up now just because other things have got in the way and look at what you want and check to see if YOU really want that change. 

Oh yes, I remembered.  What was the ONE, the ONLY New Year resolution I ever made that I actually kept???

TO NEVER MAKE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION AGAIN!!!

“I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s”.  ~HenryMoore

 

The law of attraction: what it can mean

The Law of Attraction – what is it really?  Some people think that if you think something, positive or negative, enough times, it will just happen.  One of my friends believes that.   

This morning she had a go at me about a statement I made – I said “I’m broke”.   I had a few unexpected bills come along – medical expenses – and I need to have them paid up shortly.   Coming so soon after Christmas, and I still haven’t got back on track after my holiday in France, Spain and Istanbul, I have put in place a fairly strict budget.  I didn’t mean that I had NO money, I do.  I want to make sure I am able to pay the bills and still have some left over (and I want to go away again in May).  So, I made some plans.

My friend was concerned about my statement as I had mentioned it once before.  She really believed that just by uttering the words “I am broke” I would attract some bad financial luck, that my finances would suffer.

That blew me away!  My idea of being “broke” and hers are probably very different.  I use “being broke” as a way of making sure I spend only that I need - no mindless consumerism (now, that’s got to be a good thing, don’t you agree?). 

I believe in positive thinking but that is not enough - action needs to be taken.  Hey, if you are standing on a beach and you see a tsunami coming, no amount of potitive thinking is going to prevent that wall of water from washing you away – you need to RUN, get out of there (as soon as you see the water recede!!!!!)

Planning for things , even worst case scenarios is not attracting negative events into your life.   Read my blog for 12/07/10 – I created this lifestyle I have now.  However, there was a point during that time when I left the only permanent job I had – it was part-time - and took on a full-time one that was on a temporary 6 month contract.  That was a real gamble – I had no idea at the beginning of that 6 months where I would be when I finished that contract.  So, I planned for the worst case scenario - being unemployed after the 6 months.  I made some financial decisions so I would be able to pay my bills etc,  in case there was a gap before I found more employment.  And I did -  the job I have now which I got just as my contract was finishing up – no gap at all -   the job that gives me the lifestyle I love.

It’s about risk assessment, a bit like mindfulness.  It is not about ignoring or avoiding thoughts and emotions that are negative, it is acknowledging what is happening, dealing with it, not getting attached to the supposed consequences of a perceived negativity. 

To me, the Law of Attraction is taking action to get the results you want. Think all the postitive thoughts you want; think and dream about your desires………..and then TAKE ACTION. 

“Knowing is not enough; we must apply. Willing is not enough; we must do”.    Johann Wolfgang von Goethe