Tag Archives: fear

Fear

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It is just an emotion, nothing else.  It’s not real, not tangible like a chair that you may be sitting on for instance.   It is made up by our minds.

And where does it come from, the future or the past?  Well, while we can be fearful of something that has yet to happen, it actually comes from the past.  Fear – can you have it right now in this moment?   Not unless you are experiencing something at this very moment like seeing a great big hairy spider coming at you (oops – I just checked under my table – I have a BIG spider phobia) or are expecting something to happen.

For what reason would you choose to experience fear in the present moment unless you thought that something you were scared of was about to happen, or that you were worried about something happening?     (Notice that I said “choose” and yes, even me with my arachnophobia).   We only have fear about something because it reminds us of something in the past.  Maybe a movie we saw, or something we had already experienced.  I’ll give an example, and not about spiders.   When I was a young child I wasn’t used to dogs.   One day my family visited a friend of my mother’s who had a Great Dane – now you know how big those dogs are!! Well, as we were walking along I remember being “chased” by the dog.  It was probably only just running up to greet us but as a very small child I was terrified and ran, which I think only made it worse.   From that time I loathed dogs, even little ones and it took many, many years before I was able to go near one.   Fear is a future based emotion because we are worried about something that MAY happen in the future, but it is grounded in the past. 

The future is not certain.  Think about something specific that happened yesterday.   Did it happen? Are you certain?  Yesterday I hung the washing on the line before I went for my morning walk.  I know that for certain.  (And yes, I DID remember to bring it in later)

Nothing in the future is certain.  When we choose to experience fear we are providing ourselves with a feeling of certainty. 

Isn’t it strange that we often choose to feel such an unresourceful emotion when there is no need for that emotion?  What would it be like if, instead, we choose to feel something else?  It can be a bit tricky to stop feeling fear based emotions so, to begin with, learning to feel detached and just observing the emotion can help.   The next time you feel fear about something in the future ask yourself:

Where am I feeling it? 

What am I telling myself?

What can I replace it with?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this

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How to get rid of the fear of failure and be wildly successful at the same time

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I read a story yesterday about an executive in a company who walked into a meeting and handed out a number of “Forgiveness Coupons” to each of his staff. He told them that he wanted certain outcomes to be achieved in the company and he expected that they would have to take many risks to do so .  The executive also told his staff that in the process of taking those risks, they would make mistakes.  The coupons were permission to make those mistakes, and they were expected to use the coupons up within the year.  I don’t know about you, but I never had a boss tell me to try something and it was OK, or even expected, to make mistakes along the way.

How good it would feel if you knew that you could try out different ideas or ways of doing something and it didn’t matter if it was not as good as you thought it may be?  Have you heard about Thomas Edison and how many attempts he made to find the right material for the filament in the light bulb? Here is what he had to say about that

“I failed my way to success”.
Thomas Edison

What about the many attempts made to invent what we now take for granted such as electricity, cars, planes, building materials, computers and other appliances etc.  Do you really think that all those things were able to be created in the form that was successful the very first time?   

If you have young children or babies, spend some time watching them.  Look how they try something new over and over even though they may not get the result we adults can get.  What about when they insist that you let them do something even though you want to do it for them to “do it right” or because it will be quicker. Why do you think a three year old can work a new piece of electronic equipment and older adults struggle?  It’s because as we get older we become too concerned about getting it right.  We are scared that we may make a mistake.

What if the word ‘failure’ was replaced with ‘feedback’?

What if you allowed yourself to try something totally new and didn’t work focus on getting it right?  What could you do then?  Or consider this, what if you didn’t get the result you wanted BUT instead you ended up with something much BETTER than you thought you could ever have??

Sometimes the act of making a mistake or having a “failure” can open doors for so many other opportunities and experiences.  The trick is to go through the door and to the other side.

“The greatest mistake you can make in life is to continually be afraid you will make one”.
Elbert Hubbard

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What’s your attitude? Fear or love/courage.

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Taking charge and doing what is right for you can be a bit hard for most people. When you think about the decisions you have made in the past, and the ones you are making now…..what emotion were you, and probably still are, choosing to make that decision?? Fear? ….that you may upset someone else by not doing what they want, fear of a new experience, fear of doing something that you have never done before, fear of getting it wrong, or love/courage….love for them/yourself, courage to do what you feel is right for you/them?
Last week I was in a situation where I was waiting, waiting, waiting………… actually, waiting for weeks and weeks ………for a friend to make up her mind about the dates for a trip overseas with me & another friend.
Time was moving on, we were missing out of the cheaper air fares, we couldn’t arrange other parts of our lives, our work, other things we wanted to do because we didn’t really know the dates we would be away. We had a basic itinerary of locations and time frame but even that kept changing to fit in with my friend’s shifting needs and wants. In the end I realised that I wasn’t getting to do much of anything that meant something to me.
It is a very long way to go and NOT do things I enjoy. So I booked a trip for myself to a yoga retreat in France, one that involves other activities I love and one that I had wanted to do for 3 years, putting it off because it was inconvenient for other people.
Now, I could have done nothing and waited some more (and still be waiting). That decision would have been based on fear, fear that I may upset both my friends. Instead, I based my decision on love/courage. My love of learning yoga, meeting new people, my courage in doing what is important to me and my health, my courage in deciding to get right out of my comfort zone, travelling thousands of kilometres by myself (a new experience), exposing myself to another language of which I have only a basic knowledge.
Most people would hesitate to do something like that – they would think that they may hurt the other person’s feelings, tread on their toes, inconvenience them etc. That can be uncomfortable; especially when you think about the law of The Law of Reciprocity – you know – how you treat others is how they will likely treat you. There comes a time though when enough is enough and it is time to do what is important to you.
It’s like this…sometimes it takes courage to choose something that may not feel too good at the time, something out of your comfort zone, but deep down you know is right for yourself or someone else.
If you have small children you’ll know about that  – they want something that is not good for them (like wanting to run out on to the road) and cry and throw a tantrum yet you don’t give in because you know that giving in will not be good for them so you make a decision based on love (care). It’s the same with the decisions we make for ourselves, yet often we will take the easy way out and NOT get what is important to us because we are sacred. Scared of hurting other people and/or scared of being out of our comfort zone.
Yes, there are times when we will make choices that are not what we really want but are important to other people because those choices will be based on love for them NOT fear that they will not like/love us anymore.
That is the important distinction in making decisions – there are times when our love or courage will mean that the needs of others will be more important and other times when love and courage will lead us to make decisions that are not going to be liked by other people.
I may still be able to travel with my friends for part of the trip after my yoga retreat, but even if I can’t that’s OK. At the end of my life I want to look back and be glad that I have experienced my life in a way that is meaningful to me. If the meaning is that I give up something I want out of love for someone else that is fine because I will get enjoyment and happiness from that, but I will not give up my needs out of fear.

P.S. If you are wondering about the photo at the beginning of this post – well, that is next to the launch for the hang-gliders and the view get just as they launch themselves off – some people may feel fear – others only feel love of flying and freedom  :) )

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