Fear

It is just an emotion, nothing else.  It’s not real, not tangible like a chair that you may be sitting on for instance.   It is made up by our minds.

And where does it come from, the future or the past?  Well, while we can be fearful of something that has yet to happen, it actually comes from the past.  Fear – can you have it right now in this moment?   Not unless you are experiencing something at this very moment like seeing a great big hairy spider coming at you (oops – I just checked under my table – I have a BIG spider phobia) or are expecting something to happen.

For what reason would you choose to experience fear in the present moment unless you thought that something you were scared of was about to happen, or that you were worried about something happening?     (Notice that I said “choose” and yes, even me with my arachnophobia).   We only have fear about something because it reminds us of something in the past.  Maybe a movie we saw, or something we had already experienced.  I’ll give an example, and not about spiders.   When I was a young child I wasn’t used to dogs.   One day my family visited a friend of my mother’s who had a Great Dane – now you know how big those dogs are!! Well, as we were walking along I remember being “chased” by the dog.  It was probably only just running up to greet us but as a very small child I was terrified and ran, which I think only made it worse.   From that time I loathed dogs, even little ones and it took many, many years before I was able to go near one.   Fear is a future based emotion because we are worried about something that MAY happen in the future, but it is grounded in the past. 

The future is not certain.  Think about something specific that happened yesterday.   Did it happen? Are you certain?  Yesterday I hung the washing on the line before I went for my morning walk.  I know that for certain.  (And yes, I DID remember to bring it in later)

Nothing in the future is certain.  When we choose to experience fear we are providing ourselves with a feeling of certainty. 

Isn’t it strange that we often choose to feel such an unresourceful emotion when there is no need for that emotion?  What would it be like if, instead, we choose to feel something else?  It can be a bit tricky to stop feeling fear based emotions so, to begin with, learning to feel detached and just observing the emotion can help.   The next time you feel fear about something in the future ask yourself:

Where am I feeling it? 

What am I telling myself?

What can I replace it with?

I’d love to hear your thoughts on this

Related articles

• Five Ways To Step Through Fear and Embrace Life More Freely (mysoulfulhealing.wordpress.com)
• What’s Your Biggest Fear? (sabutterfly.wordpress.com)
• The Only Thing We Have To Fear (figuringoutfulfillment.wordpress.com)
• Find a place inside where there’s joy. (laurierohner.wordpress.com)

How to ask the right questions

You know, perspective is really important.  It is the way you look at something that makes the difference.    One way to do this is to shift focus. The best way to do that is to ask the right type of questions. 

Let’s look at this more closely.  Imagine that if you ask “how can I lose weight?” you will be finding ways to cut things out of your life – probably foods, and food that you enjoy,  and  getting more exercise – you’d probably see it as a chore.  If on the other hand, you asked yourself – “how can I get fitter and healthier (which is what you would end up if you dieted and exercised more anyway), you would be focussing more optimistically on how to make changes in your life to achieve that goal.  I’m sure you would find ways of exercising that you enjoy, you would perceive the food that you would be eating in a more positive manner and you ‘d enjoy it more as well. 

When I first started walking up the steep streets behind my place, I used to use a mantra as I walked – strong legs, tight butt – in time to my pace – one word per movement  - It worked for me and I found that my physiology changed as well when going uphill – going up seemed a whole lot easier.

There are many other areas in life to change the questions we ask ourselves. 

Instead of asking how can I feel less stressed, ask how can I feel calmer

Make it a question around something that has meaning for you. If you know what your values are, pick out one of those values and find a way to do something around that value. If you value timeout and solitude, ask yourself what can I do, or where can I go, for 15 minutes today –(I have an Art gallery about 2 minutes away and a rose garden about 5 mins down the road.

If fun is something you value ask, “What can I do today to laugh more?”

You’ve got it?

The thing that started this for me today was a video that was emailed to me by a marketing company pointing out that the questions we ask impact upon our results in business, and so it is for any area of our lives. 

The analogy used was that of a very large boat, one of those multi-million dollar ones you see in marinas, weighing tons, being propelled by a small propeller. In other words, it’s the little things that move us forward.  It can be just a small shift in attitude that can create a great day as opposed to a crappy one.

Hmmmmm………So, my question for tomorrow, Monday 6 February is going to be “What can I do to make my day more efficient?”

What will be your question for tomorrow?

What will you write for your ‘story’ in 2012?

Something to think about now as we come to the end of 2011. 

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What will your story look like next year?

 

How to get what YOU want out of your day

How you start the day can impact on how the rest of the day turns out.   I set my day up by going for a walk along the beach and having coffee with friends most days.  That way I get to have exercise, socialise a bit, watch the sun come up and sometimes see dolphins and the odd whale.  Now, it can’t get much better than that   After those types of mornings I feel I can deal with anything, also knowing that I can do it again the next day.   It is something I choose to do, to think and to feel.

When my children were very young I used to get up early, before they did so I could have breakfast and read the newspaper in peace.   The purpose of that was to have my timeout BEFORE the day started.   

At a seminar I attended many months ago,  the main speaker was an international businessman who said that he set up his day by asking himself a series of questions as soon as he woke up.   Here they are:

• What am I grateful for?
• Who do I love?
• Why am I so happy?
• What am I committed to?
• How committed am I?
• What is my intention?
• What is my wish?
• Why am I here?

Now I get that it would take a while to remember all these questions to ask yourself every day so maybe you’d like to pick just one or two to start with.   

Or, make a list of your own questions.

I have a couple of questions I ask, especially when I have to attend a workplace workshop or something I am not looking forward to –  “I wonder what it will be like?” and “What can I take away from this?  If there is something you do not want to do or take part in, ask yourself about your intention.  Or what you are committed to.

Sometimes no matter what you do things can appear to be getting out of control as the day progresses (or regresses).   In that case, ask some of these questions at those times if they are appropriate to the situation.  If yesterday was awful, ask “What can I do differently today?”.  The reality is that your day depends on your thoughts and your responses.

“The universe is change; our life is what our thoughts make it.”  Marcus Aurelius

What are you going to ask yourself tomorrow?   I’d love to hear your ideas.

Related articles

• Authentic Happiness (hollyworton.com)

What nobody told you about breaking bad habits.

There is so much written about changing old habits and creating new ones.  There is also a lot of advice about how to do it and how much time it will take.  I remember reading something once where is was said that it only takes 21 days to make a new habit – really?? are you sure??? 21 days!!!. 

How many times have you started doing something, a new habit or doing something differently and even after a month, two months or even four months, you lapsed back into your old ways.  It doesn’t take much, does it?    And we all do it.  Then it is so easy to give up and not try again. 

It seems that nowadays there is so much emphasis on quick change.  And occasionally it does happen if you have a massive mind shift.   It depends on how much you want it and how much embedded it is in your unconscious mind.  Mostly, it takes time. The other day I was reading a book** I have had for a long time on yoga.  Now I am a bit of a long term on & off yoga person – I started it when I was about 12 and if you really want to know the truth, I’m more off than on – yes, I haven’t made it a habit yet.  Anyway, in the book I came across an explanation of the yogic cycles of time and the specific cycles of time it takes to change old habits and create new ones.  So here it is:

To change an old habit into a new positive one – 40 days

To confirm the new habit in you – 90 days

To allow the habit to become who you are – 120 days

To ensure that you have mastered the habit – 1,000 days

Well, I don’t know about you but I felt much better when I read that.  I realise now that it is fine to feel like wanting to relapse after a month or two or even three – it is actually normal.

A lot of people put themselves down when they resume an old habit after a few months but looking at the yogic cycles, it will take about 6 months to entrench the new habit into you AND approximately 2 years and 9 months years to master that new habit.  21 days does NOT a habit make.

It’s OK to experience feelings of wanting to give up, it is normal to feel like that. The trouble is that so many of us do just that – we give up, and too early according to the yogic cycles.  The easy way is to accept that you feel like giving up, but don’t buy into that feeling; think of it as hmm…. just like that chair over there, an object that you can observe without feeling like you have to go and attach yourself to it.  I mean, come on, how stupid would you look going everywhere with a chair stuck to you.  Accept that it will take time to become the change, and to be that change, unconsciously and easily.  In other words, PUT THAT CHAIR DOWN!!

It takes more than a few grains of sand to make a beach

 

It takes more than a few floors to make a high rise

It takes more than a few drops of salt water to make an ocean

It takes more than a couple of mountains to make a mountain range

It takes more than a few dozen panels to make the Guggenheim

So too it will take more than a few weeks to create your new life. 

I’d really like to hear what you think and what your habit changing journey is like

**Yoga for Women, by Shakta Kuar Khalsa . Published in 2002 by Dorling Kindersley Limited, London

Related articles

• It’s A Lie: Why 21 Days Is Not Enough To Help You Build Lasting Habits (healthmoneysuccess.com)

7 secrets to success

1/ Be true to your-self.  Decide how you want your life to be, find your values. What do you gain by always conforming to other people’s ideals?   

2/ Turn the TV off and spend more time thinking and dreaming, reading, meeting new people, finding new ideas, get that imagination going.

3/ Do something you are scared of.  Don’t think of it as getting out of your comfort zone, think of it as EXPANDING your comfort zone.    4/  Don’t over plan – that can result in procrastination, confusion and barriers being erected.

 5 Take action – standing still gets you nowhere, you need to take that first step and then another, and another……………. 6/ If you lose your way – ask for help

7/ Have fun & have it now.  What’s the point of waiting? A friend wants to do a trip down the Murray but is leaving it for many years down the track.  She said that she wants something to look forward to – the trouble is, the river may not exist by then (which looked like a possibility given the drought we come out of) and neither might she.

 I’d love to hear what you think

Related articles

• Do Your Goals Excite You and Take You Out of Your Comfort Zone? (richardlabella.com)
• Crush Your Comfort Zone (toughchik.wordpress.com)
• Leaving the Comfort Zone Behind (1alive.wordpress.com)

The Power of Imagination

I am a great believer in imagining, and an example of this is is one of my previous posts http://theattitudequeen.wordpress.com/2010/07/12/your-unconscious-mind-at-work/. 

I came across a short and very effective speech by Garion Bunn on You Tube which I absolutely love – it’s about imagination.   If you click on the link below you can watch it and then let me know what you think.  By the way, Garion does a bit of singing at the beginning and the speech is just after that – about 1 minute and 5 seconds into the start of the video.  Enjoy

 

 

Being Happy

Today I have decided to give this space over to Di Sutton and her July newsletter (with her permission)

http://au.linkedin.com/pub/di-sutton/20/3b7/774 

 

Di is a coach who specialises in Matrix Therapy, particularly with women over 35 who are ready to make amazing breakthroughs in their lives and become free from negative influences and emotions.  Her qualifications include:

• Master Practitioner in Matrix Therapies
• Practitioner in Neuro-Linguistic Programming
• Master Practitioner in Neuro Linguistic Programming
• Practitioner in Time Line Repatterning
• Certificate IV in Life Coaching
• Practitioner in Coach Mastery
• Your Quest (discovering purpose and passion)
• Matrix Therapies Advanced Training
• Matrix Constellations and Archetypes
• Co-creating the Matrix (Spiritual Program)   

Quote of the month:

It isn’t what you have, or who you are, or where you are, or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about.

Dale Carnegie

BEING HAPPY

Many people think the ultimate in life is being happy. While it is unrealistic to expect to be happy all the time, there are some strategies we can use to increase the amount of time we feel happy in life. No one gets it right 100% of the time, we do the best we can.

Recently I attended a seminar conducted by Professor Timothy Sharpe from The Happiness Institute in Sydney and would like to share some of the ideas from that which I found helpful.

Positive psychology is the scientifc study of optimal human functioning. It is about people thriving and flourishing. It is more than seeking pleasure, it is about engaging in life. We can learn to be happy. Positive emotions are helpful and if we have them we are likely to build our lives and open and broaden our mind.

How can we be happy? One of the strategies is to be present. To live in the present moment. People who live in the present moment have

• health and wellbeing
• concentration
• productivity and efficiency
• happiness and positive emotions
• good relationships and communication

There is very little difference in people, and the difference that makes the difference is attitude – whether it is positive or negative. There are optimists and pessimists. Optimistic people have a hopefulness and confidence about the future and a successful outcome of something.

Check out The Happiness Institute website for more information: www.thehappinessinstitute.com

Tips for dealing with our ANTs (automatic negative thoughts)

Are you aware of your ANTs? (automatic negative thoughts). We all have them at times. They include:

• · Catastrophising
• · Being black and white
• · Personalising
• · Mind reading
• · Over-generalising
• · Filtering

If you cannot think of examples when you have these, I’m sure you know people who do. Such as the person who is always having dramas in their life. Nothing is simple and calm – all events are full of drama. A way to deal with our ANTs is to be flexible in our thinking and modify our thinking style to suit the context.

We can move between different thinking styles – nothing is right or wrong

4 steps to help deal with our ANTs:

• · Identify thoughts
• · Label the ANTs
• · Question/challenge unhelpful cognitions
• · Replace with more helpful, realistic ones

Ask, are my thoughts

• · Realistic
• · Take into account all the facts
• · Helpful

Can I look at things

• From a different angle
• In another way
• Is it really that bad
• Get Temporal perspective (how important will this be in 10 minutes, 10 hours, 10 days, 10 weeks’ time?)
•  Alternate perspectives
• Problem solving
• Acceptance

Discovering our top character strengths

Getting to know ourselves is crucial to living an aware life, and discovering our strengths and talents is a sure way to increase our sense of happiness.

If you would like to discover your top 24 character strengths, click on www.viasurvey.org This survey is free and once you have found your strengths, if you would like to know more about making the most of them, email me on di@connexioncoaching.com.au and I will send you additional information.

Please answer me by Noemi Lee
Why do you say

you “hate” happy people?

Does that mean

you hate happiness?

Why is it that

happiness is considered

to be a four letter word?

Must you always

wear a scowl

on your face?

Can’t it take

a bathroom break?

How can you expect

to find happiness

when you continue

to push it

father and farther away?

Why do you hold

such disdain for

happiness?

What wrong has

happiness

done to you?

So, you mean

you’ve never had

happiness?

Then, how can you

hate something

you’ve never known?

Would you like to experience more happiness in your life?
Do you behave in ways that cause unhappiness at times and don’t know where the behaviour comes from?
Are you at a stage in your life where you want change, but are not sure which direction to take?

If you would like to explore this, take advantage of a complimentary 1.5 hour coaching session with Di Sutton, Master Practitioner in Matrix Therapies and Master Practitioner in Neuro Linguistic Programming
Phone 0401 266 316

di@connexioncoaching.com.au  www.connexioncoaching.com.au

Connexion Coaching

Related articles

• What Stops YOU Being Happy? (happinessguru.wordpress.com)
• Classical Psychology and Nlp-neuro-linguistic Programming: (socyberty.com)

positive psychology: how to have a better life and save time

I was listening to something recently on positive psychology.  Apparently it is not a new idea and had been around even in the times of the Greek philosophers.  The person presenting the programme mentionted one of the uses of positive psychology is about using strengths to deal with life instead of trying to boost those qualities of which you have little, and using those lesser qualities to solve things.  E.g., if you have a problem and a friend tells you how they went about dealing with it, it may not work for you and then you could feel worse.  Using strengths is more important than trying to correct deficits. It is a science, not a religion or a philosophy, and has been proven with research and scientific methods. It stops looking at what is wrong with you and starts by looking at what is right with you. 

“Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom”.
Aristotle

Using your strengths can make you feel happier, more engaged with life in general, more productive at work even.

I was in a team once with someone who was almost the exact opposite of me – I am a very big picture person, great at starting things, writing certain types of reports and dealing with certain people.  My colleague loved staying in the background, picking up what others had started, creating systems and doing all the finer details.  There were many tasks we had to do that were similar; we worked brilliantly together because we recognised our individual strengths and worked with those instead of each trying to do every single task equally.  It worked so well that we were able to do the work of three people easily when another member of the team was off work for 3 months.  Using your strengths can be a real timesaver and make life a lot easier!

We all have strengths.  A study was conducted in which it was shown that even the act of identifying strengths had an impact making people happier and temporarily reducing symptoms of depression.  By acting on using just one of those strengths to deal with some problems it increased the person’s feeling of wellbeing and satisfaction and the reduction of symptoms of depression was much longer lasting.

Sometimes we may not recognise our strengths as we are usually conditioned to not talk about what is good about ourselves – I mean how many times have you been given a complimented on one of your qualities, and brushed it aside? Often the focus is on ‘fixing’ weaknesses.

One way to focus on strengths, especially in the workplace, is the two-step acknowledgement.  Now I understand that some people like to use the ‘sandwich’ technique whereby feedback consists of a positive, a negative and then another positive. 

Identifying and acknowledging strengths is a more affirming method when giving people feedback.  Instead of telling someone “You did well on the interstate communication problem and not good on the problem we are still having with the timeframes however, you did well with….etc:, you can say “You did a very good job solving that problem we had with the interstate communication. The way you were able to focus on the finer details until you found the answer and then to explain it so clearly to everyone else was great.  I can see that you will be able to use your attention to detail and your ability to communicate clearly with the problem we are now having with the timeframes.”  In this way the focus is on the person’s strengths and not on the weaknesses: it opens the way to deal with problems more successfully.

Imagine if you only ever received this type of feedback from your boss.  Imagine how you would feel each day going to work knowing that whatever problems arose, you would be more likely to find a solution. Imagine knowing that your efforts were encouraged.  Imagine your productivity and general sense of satisfaction increasing. 

Don’t wait for someone to acknowledge you and your strengths – find them yourself and start using them now.  Copy and paste the following link into your browser and you can take part in a free survey to find your greatest strengths. 

http://www.viacharacter.org/

I did and found that my top five strengths, in order, are:

• Love of learning
• Curiosity and interest in the world
• Capacity to love and be loved
• Gratitude
• Zest, enthusiasm, and energy

Where are you strong in your life and how can you use that to manage your not so strong points to have a greater life?

“Insist on yourself. Never imitate”.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

http://www.thehappinessinstitute.com/blog/

Abundance

Abundant thinking is a form of positive thinking.  It is about creating a mindset of positive values that allows you to see your life as one of abundance, not one of deficit.  It allows you to flip your mental attitude from negative to positive and appreciate how much you have in your life to be grateful for.

Abundant thinking is all about changing how you view your personal circumstances so that you can change how you view the world at large.  It is realizing that you can be the cause of your happiness and achievement in life through your focus on what you have, rather than on what you don’t have.

However, it does not mean that you to stop striving for more and just accept your lot in life; rather it teaches quite the opposite: that by acknowledging how abundant your life is already, your mind will embrace the concept that the good things in life are potentially unlimited.  The following quote is attributed to Kabir:

“Look at you, you madman! Screaming you are thirsty and dying in a desert,
when all around you there is nothing but water!”

With an abundant mind-set, you start to notice opportunities where once you saw none, you may even realise that you already have that which you desired.

 

Abundant means to be richly supplied; to be overflowing, to have plenty.  This means that you should have no fear of asking for more.  Nor should you fear giving in case you may run out of whatever it is that you have.  Abundance is a store that never runs out of its goods, however, is not about greed.  It is taking what you need and not more just in case you may run out.  Wanting and taking more that you need is having the attitude of scarcity, the opposite of abundance.  It creates fear and limits around what can be achieved.

Abundant thinking is a life philosophy that encompasses your belief about yourself.  It is about expanding your comfort zone and getting rid of limiting beliefs about what it is possible to feel, to say and to do. 

Where money is the issue, it is viewed as a tool that allows a better quality of life, freeing you to do other things such as volunteer work, helping those who are less fortunate, spending time with you children, partner, friends, mentoring someone, providing employment to someone to do that which takes up your time better spent doing above.

How can you have an abundant lifestyle? 

Where can you find more time to do the things you enjoy the most?

How can you spend more time with the people you love?

What can you change in your life to live it the abundant way?

I’d be very interested in hearing your thoughts on this

Related articles

• Scarcity, Abundance, and Gratitude (Part 2) (loveinmyownskin.wordpress.com)
• The Joy is in The Journey of Abundance: 3 Ways to Bring Back Joy (directyourownlife.wordpress.com)