The rules of life: make them up

I read something today where the writer stated “All I need are the right rules and victory would be mine.”

That got me wondering about how that related to life in general.  How often do we live our lives by other people’s rules and as a consequence are unhappy, feeling like we have lost out?    This tied in with something else I had previously read by an economist about “herd economics” and how there is a tendency to position ourselves relative to the rest of the group (society) i.e., keeping up with the Joneses (KUWJ).  Basically he proposed that we are all happy enough individually but when we compare our “position in the herd” we can become dis-satisfied and start wanting more.  The economist provided an example of people paying exorbitant prices for houses (KUWJ).  I’d include people who live in certain suburbs for the prestige/ so they can send their children to the “right” schools; designer clothes; brand cars (e.g., BMW, Mercs, etc.) and etc…………..  I’m sure you get the idea.

So, that was how I got to thinking about how we can be happier by making our own rules for our lives – a sort of designer life – one that is tailor made just for you.  Now, how exclusive would that be?

“Our minds are as different as our faces: we are all travelling to one destination; –happiness; but few are going by the same road.”
Charles Caleb Colton

Just imagine what it would be like to live a life made especially for YOU – it would be unique, your very own life that no-one else has, made to your own specifications. You decide what you want.  If you are in a relationship and/or have a family, it will be designed for the relationship/family, where you all get together and make up the rules (yes, include the children – it’s amazing what they come up with)

There is so much in this world to experience and so many of us that there is really no right or wrong way for YOUR designer life. 

What do you want your life to look like?

Where will you be living?

How often do you want to travel?

Where in the world do you want to experience?

Who do you want to experience it with?

What books do you want to read?

What else do you want to see, hear and feel?

How much more time do you want with your family/friends/loved ones?

What would you like to do more of with them?

If you had a bank that credited your account each morning with $86,400 – with no balance carried from day to day – what would you do?   Well, you do have such a bank and it’s called……time.

Every morning it credits you with 86,400 seconds.  Every night it rules off as “lost” whatever you have failed to use.  It carries over no balances and allows no overdrafts.   You can’t hoard it, save it, store it, loan it or invest it. You can only use it – time.   

So, I am interested to know – how will you design your life to make the best use of that 86,400 seconds to live your life as you want?

RelAted articles

• Sara Weinstock: The Time of Your Life (stylelist.com)

How to avoid becoming overwhelmed by overwhelm

Overwhelm is one of those feelings that we have sometimes.  It seems that a whole lot of things need to get done and all at the same time.  I used to ‘do’ overwhelm in the workplace. I used to look at all the work I needed to get done, thought that it was all too much, didn’t know where to start, OMG what will I do now!!!??? ARRGGHHH

I tried to use time management strategies – yuk! – too boring

block time on the calendar to get tasks done (then something “urgent” would pop up)

send the phone to voicemail and turn off email (still had to find time to deal with that later)

I tried to write out a ’to do’ list – got too OVERWHELMED again!!!! COS IT WAS TOO LONG!!!

Bugger!

What to do????

Overwhelm is an emotion, an emotion that we can CHOOSE to have. Yes, that’s right – we choose it.  The way I got around the feelings of overwhelm was to find my strategy for doing that emotion. 

We all have a strategy for anything we do and any emotion we feel. I suppose it may help if you think about it like brushing your teeth.  Oh yes, we all have a strategy for brushing teeth.  Mine is a bit like this:

go into the bathroom,

go over to the hand-basin,

pick up the toothbrush,

pick up the toothpaste

flick open the lid,………………

Got the idea? 

So, in dealing with overwhelm, think about the latest time you felt overwhelmed.  

• Remember where you were…………………
• what it was that you were doing just before the overwhelm occurred?.
• what were you seeing?…………………………….
• what were you hearing?…………………………..
• what were you telling yourself?…………………

If you have a close look at your strategy for overwhelm you can learn to deal with it. It’s all well and good to try and find ways of developing strategies to break the work down, or de-clutter etc but our emotions are not usually experienced consciously.

Approximately 95% of our actions are governed by the unconscious mind. Developing a way to diffuse that emotion will be helpful in being able to think more clearly and find a solution. The road ahead will be easier to see (I really wanted an excuse the insert the following pic LOL)

“The shortest way to do many things is to do only one thing at a time.”

Richard Cech

So, do one thing at a time.  Uncover your strategy for overwhelm, one step at a time.

I trust that in the next 3 days you will feel overwhelm. When you do, acknowledge that feeling, and then ask your-self the 4 WHAT questions.

Oh, and by the way, please tell me how you went – I’d love to hear about it

Related articles

• “Smile, breathe and go slowly.” (bloomanyway.wordpress.com)

How to Create the Ideal Lifestyle

I was doing an exercise the other day which involved creating awareness of ‘opportunity’.  The exercise was to make a list of the key elements necessary for a business opportunity to be worth pursuing.  This is important because when the right opportunity comes along the decision to pursue it can be made quickly, before it disappears.  When I did the exercise I made 2 lists, one for business and another for lifestyle and then merged them.   Any opportunity for my business will have to take into account my ideal lifestyle as well. 

In my coaching practice, when I take my clients through the business goal planning process, I ask them to also write down non-business goals as well.  Now, I am not talking about material things such as buying a new car, having a mortgage paid, designer clothes etc.  I mean personal goals such as learning a language, having time to go dancing, doing regular yoga classes, getting fitter, volunteer work, goals some people never consider when creating a business plan.

It is not often that people plan and make goals for personal satisfaction.  Most planning is for work/career/monetary gain etc with little thought to family, relationships and lifestyle, and doing the things that lead to a deeper sense of life satisfaction.    

Some of my key elements for a great business opportunity are:

• It has to be fun
• Feels right and is based on integrity and respect
• Freedom for me to spend time with my family and friends when I want and to do things I find gratifying
• Time for me to do activities I love related to my health and fitness (I love my sunrise walks and yoga)

“You will never find time for anything. If you want time you must make it”  Charles Buxton

So, how can this be achieved?  A while ago, I read a book called First Things First by Stephen R. Covey et al.  In the book a story was related about an experience someone had in a seminar.  In that seminar the lecturer placed a very large wide mouth jar and several large fist sized rocks on a table.  He asked people to guess how many of the rocks he would be able to put into the jar.  After several guesses were made he placed a number of rocks in the jar until no more could fit in. Then he asked if the jar was full and everybody said yes.  He pulled out a small bucket of gravel from under the table and started to put gravel into the jar, shaking the jar around so the gravel fell into the spaces.  Again he asked if the jar was full and by then people were aware that something was going on so they said “probably not”.   The lecturer reached under the table and this time pulled out a small bucket of sand which he then tipped into the jar, shaking it around so that the sand filled in the spaces between the rocks and the gravel.   By that time the seminar participants knew that when the lecturer asked if the jar was full that the answer was a resounding “NO”.  At which he pulled out a jug of water and managed to carefully pour about a quarter of that water into the jar. 

The point of the demonstration was that if the rocks had not gone in first they would never have been able to get in.  So, I have certain things in my life that are my “rocks” (yes, that is what I call them, which is confusing for people when I say that and I get a few strange looks), some is gravel, some is sand and the rest is water. Often when we plan our days/ weeks/ months etc, we put the gravel and water in first or maybe one or two rocks followed by sand then water.  Now, paying the bills, eating and having a roof over our head is important, but many of us only place  those ”rocks”  in our jars and then start to fill  the remainder with water or sand etc.  Then when we try to put another rock in we have problems and get frustrated and stressed.   Hmmm……. not a recipe for an ideal lifestyle, is it? 

When I look at the key elements of a great opportunity I consider time as well – I make sure that my “rocks” can stay in my “jar” and are not taken out to replaced with sand or water.  

Have a think about what you are allowing to fill your ‘jar’ right now.

P.S - here is  my latest “rock”,  grand-daughter number 4

If you need a bit of help click on this link  http://www.shiftlifestyle.com/ – you will need to give your email address. The 7 steps come to you in weekly videos.

Related articles

• Prioritizing self-care: put the big rocks in first (poeticaperture.com)

Are your New Years resolutions doomed to failure?

So, it is now 4 weeks since the beginning of the year and now the Chinese New Year is upon us.  I am curious as to how well you have managed to keep your New Year resolutions.  I don’t know about you but, not only was I never any good at keeping them, I was not even good at making them in the first place – I would forget and then someone would ask me in say, February, how are you going with your New Year resolutions and I would go blank and then  – “oh my God – I forgot to make any”  LOL!!  You can’t keep something you haven’t made!!

One year, I’m not sure exactly what year it was, I made the one and only New Year resolution I have ever kept!!  What was the secret of my success?  How, after so many years of failed resolutions did I make one, THE ONLY ONE that I have ever kept?    

I am sure many of you know about SMART

Specific

Measurable

Achievable/Attainable

Realistic

Time-framed

Many people make resolutions that they do not think about in SMART terms. They get carried away with the holiday season, make all sorts of well intentioned, exciting promises for a better year;  the ‘magic wand’ type of resolution – you know the one…..big, bold and right now !!!!

So, why are most of the resolutions that are made doomed to fail?  Well, not specific enough, not able to be measured, not achievable, unrealistic and not time framed; most resolutions are pretty vague in one or more of the SMART areas.

“I am going to give up smoking”. Oh yeah – When and How?

“Well, next week” What day?

“um….Wednesday?  No, hang on, I have got some new staff at work, a new project, work to catch up on after the holidays, new job, kids going back to school (pick one) ……and I will get too stressed out – maybe in a few weeks time when things settle down.” 

 Got it?  How successful will that resolution be? Where is the commitment? 

Try this on for size – “I am going to see my Doctor on Wednesday 2 February and find out what is available to help me give up smoking.  I will commit myself to giving up smoking completely by 4 April 2011.  On that day I will celebrate by ……” (No, not by having a cigar! – pick something else!). 

Another reason is committment.  I’ve often wondered about the point of making resolutions at New Year.  While I do understand the concept, I  have often thought that resolutions can be made at any time.   If the beginning of the year is fraught with stress, of course many resolutions will not be successful.  Another time in the year could be more appropriate, a time when the resolution has more chance of being successful.  If we keep making resolutions that are doomed to failure, we set ourselves up to fail next time, and the next, and the next…………….  When we don’t keep our resolutions, we can often tell ourselves that we will try again next New Year.  Even during the year when we think of something we want to change, it is so easy to decide to leave it until the next New Year and make it a resolution: you’ll probably forget that you had even thought of it. 

If something comes up for you during the year, what purpose is there to wait for January 1 again?  If August, or May, or even  23 January is a better time for you to make a change around something, then DO IT?  What is the point of wasting your life by leaving something until New Year and not being successful with it?   

Turning 2011 into a more successful year than 2010 needs self-belief and a mind shift: the focus is on what you want to achieve and it can start anytime during the year.   Don’t give up now just because other things have got in the way and look at what you want and check to see if YOU really want that change. 

Oh yes, I remembered.  What was the ONE, the ONLY New Year resolution I ever made that I actually kept???

TO NEVER MAKE A NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION AGAIN!!!

“I think in terms of the day’s resolutions, not the year’s”.  ~HenryMoore

 

Slow down and Enjoy life

Long time between entries.  So  much has happened in the past few months and I have allowed some things to get away but it seems that it was meant to be.

I was planning to do a video blog while I was away but it didn’t happen.  I took my camera which has a video function with me on the Pyrenees hike and was so challenged by it, so totally focussed on what I had to do, that I forgot all about it.

I had never really hiked before so I was not prepared for the physical intensity.  As a seaside dwelling person, and used to mainly flat or gently undulating ground, I found the hike very challenging.  I usually don’t have to think about the act of walking, I just DO it, it’s automatic.  In the Pyrenees, having to walk up very steep slopes, with little or no discerable track, covered with stones and rocks meant that there were times I had to think before I placed my foot on the ground, and I had to slow my pace.  I am very much used to walking at the fast same pace and soon found that it was just not possible. One of my hiking partners powered up the tracks; he lives in that area and is used to the terrain and the altitude – that is his comfort zone. 

It made me think about life in general.  I don’t know about you, but that is how I am used to leading my life – wanting to do things too easily sometimes and then being surprised when a lot of effort needs to be made.  Leading a life at the same pace can be right sometimes and be too fast other times.  There are times when it is necessary to slow down down, or to even STOP and think about what to do next – life cannot be lived at the same pace all the time.  This is especially true when you are out of your comfort zone.  When you are doing something very different it can take time for your level of fitness or expertise to develop.

I thought about how I was applying my thinking to my life – I expected that everything I did would be a breeze!!  When I started up my business, I expected everything to flow like it does in my day job.  I thought that I would be able to power along on a daily basis, coming home from work, creating a business, products etc in just a matter of hours, all running long smoothly with information at my fingertips.  Other coaches were doing things that I wasn’t and I expected that I should be doing the same even though when I thought about it, it didn’t feel quite right for me.  I didn’t feel the same passion they did about things; I now know that what they were doing was not MY passion and so when I tried I only gave my half-hearted focus.  No wonder I felt it was a drag.

Going far away from home, practicing yoga for hours every day and hiking, showed me the value  in slowing down.  I realised that there is value in NOT making decisions straight away, just for the sake of taking action.  There is value in just BEING.  When you are actually ‘being’ then you can do.  I read somewhere recently that we are human ‘beings’, not human doings.  And ‘being’ includes being true to yourself.

“Slow down and enjoy life.  It’s not only the scenery you miss by going too fast – you also miss the sense of where you are going and why.”

 Eddie Cantor 

It is perfectly OK to ‘be’ before deciding on an action; to take time to look  around, to do what feels right for YOU.  It doesn’t matter what everyone else is doing; what matters is that what you do is right for YOU!

P.S In the days after writing this piece my father died.  I was pretty upset obviously including that fact that he didn’t wait for me.  I had read that when people know they are going to die, they wait for their loved ones.  Well, this certainly didn’t happen.  Dad lived a few hundred kilometres away from me.  I had rung him a few days earlier and told him that I would make the trip over to see him on the weekend.  About an hour before I was due to depart, I received the phone call to tell me he passed away.

I have had time to think about it and realised that Dad wanted it that way; he was ready to go – nearly 88 – and he didn’t like fuss. So, my father died n a way that was meaningful to him.  It mattered to him how he died and in the days preceding his death he arranged to settle a few things.  Dad had decided that had had enough and wanted to go.  He went with little fuss, just the way he wanted it to be.

Csokolom apuka